we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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