The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
