My Higher Power is John Stamos
we made out on top of his cat.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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