literally had 100 drinks last night.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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