I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
