I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
