i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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