I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
