Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
