im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
