I am midnight drunk by noon
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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