so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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