Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
