Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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