I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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