well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
