Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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