Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
