im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
