Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize