Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
