His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dick very happy bro
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
