Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
