apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
