so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
