i already hear my dad disowning me
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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