no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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