Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize