I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm at about main and main street
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
