peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
