i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
