call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
