i dedicated my morning wood to you.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
