She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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