Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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