I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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