Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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