So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
