I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Randomize
