you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
