I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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