Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
