when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize