after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
