I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
