You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
