I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
there is puke in my bra ... again
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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