Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
