this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he puts the penis in happiness.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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