sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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