whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
