I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
