Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
