I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
