Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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