i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
