Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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